till the shine wears off
by look at the stars
Summary: Because after years of using Brittany's naviety against her, it's blown up in her face in the worst way imaginable. Brittany cheats and Santana self reflects.


_Brittana; _loosely based on this prompt:_ Brittany and Santana do eventually get together. They decide to be completely monogamous to each other. Strangely, Santana finds it quite easy to be faithful to Brittany. Everyone expects her to stray, but she doesn't. Which is why she's so heartbroken when she finds Brittany cheating on her with a boy. Brittany is confused as to why she's angry. After all, it's not cheating if the plumbing is different, right?_

I own nada_._

title inspired by the Coldplay song '**Lost?**'.

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><p>Santana should've known that it wouldn't last.<p>

She always felt that someone better could come along at any moment and show Brittany just what she was missing wasting her time with Santana.

Someone who was nicer. Someone with a beautiful inner spirit that matched Brittany's innocent outlook on life. Someone willing to hold hands at Breadstix without a napkin guarding them from view. Someone who wasn't so horribly insecure with themself that they didn't use their father's pity money on a pair of fake tits that did nothing but bump them to the bottom on the pyramid.

Someone who didn't try to manipulate her innocence so they could hold on to any part of her that they could. Someone who didn't convince her to cheat on her boyfriend by saying "_It's not cheating because the plumbing is different_." Someone who wanted her to be happy no matter what, even if it meant not being together.

Santana always believed that deep down Brittany knew it too. That Brittany didn't love her _that _way but after years of being best friends slash fuck buddies she couldn't differentiate between the two and just went along with whatever Santana wanted.

Brittany was the light at the end of the tunnel. The reason she lived. The reason she breathed.

She could do no wrong in her eyes and even if, Santana was always there to lead her back to how things were supposed to be. Linking pinkies as they walked down the hall in their Cheerios uniform and getting their mack on during Sweet Valley High marathons. Not using Artie to make her jealous and actually liking the wheelchair bound little freak enough to _date_ him.

Santana loved Brittany with every fiber of her being.

That's why she couldn't believe Brittany was actually serious about Artie when Santana was finally ready to be serious with her.

She couldn't fathom not having her around when she needed her the most, not when she was _finally _understanding why she felt so strongly for the other girl and girls in general. Not when she was getting so close to realizing who she was, who she was meant to be and who she truly wanted to be with. Brittany couldn't just leave her like that over a stupid boy. A stupid boy who seemed to care about her and make her happy.

Santana couldn't wrap her mind around it. She needed Brittany to feel what she felt, to be with her and only her.

So when she went over to Brittany's house one afternoon expecting to make out and fool around, she was surprised when Brittany wasn't having it.

_"San, I'm with Artie now. It wouldn't really be fair to him."_

Santana's eyes had widened in shock.

No matter what guy either of them were fucking, dating or both, they had never stopped fooling around.

It was Brittany's idea in the first place. She'd kissed Santana during cheer camp when everyone was supposed to be in bed and it'd carried on from there. When Brittany had asked if they were dating, Santana had scoffed and replied, "_Sex isn't dating_."

That was their rule. It kept Brittany from asking any more questions and wanting to talk about their "_feelings_" all the time. It kept Santana from having to deal with her feelings for Brittany and enabled her to pretend like there were none.

All she could think about was how unfair it was to her that Brittany was dating a guy and ignoring what they had despite Santana not even wanting to admit they had anything. She knew it was wrong and she knew that it was a lie but Brittany still believed in Santa and thought her Barbie dolls were plotting to kill her most days. It wouldn't hurt anyone if she fed her another little white lie.

"_Brit, it wouldn't be cheating. The plumbing is different. I'm a girl, so that makes it okay._"

She remembered saying that to Brittany almost three years ago but now, when it's Brittany saying it to her, when it's Brittany explaining that she met a cute guy at her gym and they had sex, Santana can't explain the ache in her heart and the tears threatening to escape.

She can't explain why her whole world is falling apart and that it hurts to breathe. She can't explain why the confused look on Brittany's face, the fact that her girlfriend genuinely believes that she didn't cheat because it was a guy she fucked and not a girl makes her hate herself more than she ever has.

After leading Brittany on and denying any and everything romantic between them in high school, after exploiting her to get what she wanted, Santana didn't have it in her to do anything but believe that she should've seen this coming. It was if her entire universe was at zero gravity and instead of desperately trying to pick up the pieces and force them in their place, she takes a deep breath and nods.

She was the one who told Brittany that it wasn't cheating because the plumbing was different. She let Brittany believe that when they kept having sex behind Artie's back it wasn't cheating. Her manipulation had come back to give her a swift kick in the ass and it was a kick that she felt that she deserved.

She knows that even though Brittany can have any guy or girl she wants because "s_he's everything that's beautiful in this miserable, stinking world" _they may not understand the special place she lives in. She knows not everyone will understand that Brittany sees things differently in a way that may come across as stupid and naive. She knows that Brittany isn't just a dumb blonde.

Brittany is happiness that causes Santana's cheeks to ache with how hard she's smiling.

Brittany is sunshine that blocks out the depressing shade in Santana's life.

Brittany is love that wraps itself around Santana at night and promises to never leave.

Because Santana loves Brittany with an intensity that threatens to engulf her in flames but she knows that Brittany can do _so _much better.

Because Brittany looks at Santana like she's the most amazing,exquisite,_ beautiful _thing she's ever seen_._

Because after years of using Brittany's naviety against her, it's blown up in her face in the worst way imaginable and even though the shine in their relationship that once blinded her has started to become dull and listless, she can't let Brittany go.

And maybe one day, when Santana stops lying to herself and realizes how unhealthy her emotional co-dependency on Brittany is, she'll stop waiting till the shine wears off and be able to.


End file.
